Self-Sabotage: 13 Signs You Are Being Too Hard on Yourself

You screw up, say something awkward in a meeting, or forget your friend’s birthday (again). And before you know it, your inner-critic is sprinting laps in your mind like an over-caffeinated athlete.

However, if you feel like you are constantly holding yourself to impossible standards and tearing yourself apart for not living up to them, it might be time to pump the brakes.

We live in a world where hustle culture glorifies grinding ‘til you drop, and social media feeds are highlight reels of everyone else “having it all together.”

No wonder it feels like you’re constantly measuring up, coming up short, and then beating yourself senseless about it. But you don’t have to do that.

In fact, being too hard on yourself is not only unnecessary, but it’s also detrimental. (Yeah, I said it—detrimental.)

How so? Let’s go over the red flags you’re waving without even realizing it and explore the signs you’re being too hard on yourself.

The Silent War with Yourself

Before we get into the specifics, let’s address the elephant in the room: Why are we so hard on ourselves?

There’s a fine line between holding yourself accountable and being your own worst enemy.

On one hand, a little self-critique keeps you from becoming that person who thinks they’re God’s gift to humanity. On the other, the relentless self-punishment isn’t character-building—it’s character-crushing.

Often, we end up at war with ourselves because we’ve confused self-discipline with self-destruction. We believe that if we’re not our harshest critics, we’ll somehow spiral into mediocrity or, worse, complacency. This idea is dead wrong.

And let’s not forget societal expectations—oh, society. If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably internalized the idea that you need to excel at everything, all the time, or else you’re a walking disaster. (Thanks, world!)

But here’s the tea: Everyone makes mistakes. No one has it all together. And guess what? Neither do you. So how can you tell if you’re crossing the line from holding yourself accountable to being a full-time bully to your own psyche?

Let’s break it down with some telltale signs.

13 Signs You’re Being Too Hard on Yourself

Life’s hard enough without you kicking your own butt at every turn. But here we are—setting unattainable standards, replaying mistakes like they’re on a Netflix loop, and pretending our successes don’t count. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

Being hard on yourself is like carrying an invisible weight around that no one else can see but you feel 24/7. The worst part? Most of the time, it’s self-inflicted.

So, if you’re wondering whether you’re your own worst critic, here are 13 signs you might be guilty. And trust me, we’ve all been there.

1. You Beat Yourself Up Over Small Mistakes—Like, Really Small Ones

Ever send an email and immediately realize you used the wrong “your”? I know I have. But instead of moving on with your day, you spend the next three hours ruminating over what an “idiot” you are, as if your typo is the reason society will collapse.

You’re human, not a grammar bot. Messing up is part of life. Obsessing over small blunders—especially the ones no one else even noticed—is a clear sign you’re in the red zone of self-criticism. It’s like you’re walking around with a mental checklist of reasons why you don’t measure up, and every tiny misstep is added to the list.

Let it go. Trust me, that typo isn’t going to haunt you from the grave.

• You obsess over that one typo in an email like it’s a major life failure.
• One forgotten task makes you feel like you’re incompetent, even if you crushed everything else on your to-do list.
• Instead of letting it go, you’ll bring it up days later, long after everyone else has moved on.

2. You Downplay Your Successes Like They Don’t Even Count

Remember that project you worked overtime on, poured your heart into, and actually nailed? Yeah, me neither—because when you’re too hard on yourself, you probably brush off your wins like they’re no big deal.

You convince yourself that the things you achieved don’t count because they’re just expected, or you minimize your efforts to avoid feeling proud of yourself. After all, who has time to celebrate when there’s more to achieve, right?

This, my friend, is toxic. If you can’t celebrate the small wins and the major victories, you’ll spend your entire life waiting for some mythical moment when you’ve “made it,” only to realize you’ll never feel good enough.

That moment doesn’t exist. Learn to pat yourself on the back before you hit rock bottom.

• You dismiss compliments by saying, “Oh, it wasn’t a big deal,” even when it totally was.
• Achievements that would make others proud feel like no biggie to you—like it was just luck.
• You always focus on what didn’t go right instead of what did.
• The minute you hit a milestone, you’re already thinking about the next one, ignoring any chance to celebrate.

3. You Set Unattainable Standards—and Then Hate Yourself for Not Reaching Them

You’re not Superman, Wonder Woman, or any other fictional character designed to be flawless (and unattainable). But you still expect yourself to perform like a superhero.

Whether it’s at work, in relationships, or even in how fast you can get through your to-do list, you set standards so high that you’re practically begging to fall short. And when you do, instead of recognizing the impossible task you set for yourself, you beat yourself up for failing.

It’s like entering a marathon, knowing you have no legs, and then berating yourself for not winning. Time for a reality check: You can’t do it all, and you don’t need to.

• Your to-do list is so long even a team of robots couldn’t get it done in a day.
• You expect perfection in every task, and anything less feels like failure.
• You never allow yourself any grace when life happens—like a missed workout or a non-productive day.
• Even when you get close to your goal, it’s still not “good enough” because, well, you said so.

4. You Replay Your Mistakes on a Mental Loop

You’re in bed, ready to sleep, and then BAM! Your brain brings up that thing you said during a meeting three weeks ago. You cringe, replay the scenario for the hundredth time, and mentally punch yourself for not handling it better.

Instead of letting the past be the past, you’ve got it stuck on repeat like a scratched DVD that won’t stop glitching.

You’re not helping yourself by dwelling on it. If it’s something you can fix, cool, go ahead and address it. If not, you need to let it go. Constantly reliving your mistakes isn’t teaching you anything—it’s just reinforcing this narrative that you’re always screwing up. And that’s not true.

• You relive awkward conversations in your head, analyzing every word you said wrong.
• You can’t stop thinking about a project that didn’t go perfectly, even if it’s been months.
• One mistake feels like it defines you, and you carry it around as evidence of your flaws.
• You struggle to move forward because you’re stuck thinking about what you should have done differently.

5. You Avoid Taking Risks for Fear of Failing (Again)

The thing about being too hard on yourself is that it makes you gun-shy. Instead of going after what you want, you end up avoiding opportunities altogether because you’re terrified of failing and having more ammo to beat yourself up with.

You start thinking, “Why even try if I’m going to mess it up?” And that, my friend, is self-sabotage in its purest form.

Sure, taking risks is scary. But avoiding them out of fear just keeps you stuck in a loop of playing it safe and never going for what you really want.

Everyone fails sometimes. What matters is whether you let that stop you or use it as fuel to grow.

• You turn down opportunities because you’re afraid you’ll mess up.
• One bad experience in the past has you convinced you’ll fail every time.
• You’re always playing it safe to avoid disappointment—never allowing yourself to grow.
• Even when you consider taking a risk, your inner critic talks you out of it with a list of worst-case scenarios.

6. You Constantly Compare Yourself to Others—and Always Come Up Short

You know what they say: Comparison is the thief of joy. And if you’re being too hard on yourself, you’re probably running a comparison marathon every day, endlessly measuring yourself against others and always finding yourself lacking.

Whether it’s your colleague who got promoted or your friend who seems to have the “perfect” life, you look at their success and use it as evidence that you’re somehow falling behind. The reality? You don’t see their struggles, insecurities, or failures—you’re just focusing on your perceived shortcomings.

When you’re constantly comparing, you forget to appreciate your own unique journey. Life isn’t a race, and everyone has their own timeline.

• You scroll through social media and immediately feel like everyone else is doing better than you.
• Instead of celebrating your own progress, you focus on where you’re still behind.
• You never feel like you’re enough because you’re measuring yourself by someone else’s highlight reel.
• The success of others feels like a reflection of your own shortcomings, even when it’s totally unrelated.

7. You Can’t Take a Compliment—Like, Ever

Someone tells you, “Hey, great job!” and instead of simply saying thank you, you immediately deflect. You might say, “Oh, it was nothing,” or, “Anyone could’ve done it.” Because God forbid you take credit for anything.

You’re so used to focusing on what you didn’t do perfectly that the idea of someone noticing your success feels alien—almost like an insult. Why? Because compliments go against the negative narrative you’ve built about yourself. Accepting praise forces you to acknowledge that you might not be as awful as you tell yourself you are.

But here’s a tip: Try saying “thank you” without the awkward, self-deprecating add-ons. I promise the world won’t implode if you own your accomplishments for once.

• You deflect compliments with phrases like, “Oh, it was nothing,” or “I got lucky.”
• Receiving praise makes you uncomfortable, as if it’s unwarranted or undeserved.
• You often feel like people are just being polite and don’t actually mean what they say.
• Deep down, you fear accepting compliments because it challenges your negative self-image.

8. You Obsess Over What Other People Think—And Assume It’s Always Negative

If you’re constantly trying to read minds, convinced that everyone secretly thinks you’re a hot mess, guess what? You’re being too hard on yourself. You’ll twist any social interaction into some sort of judgment on your worth.

Did someone not text you back immediately? Obviously, they hate you. Your boss didn’t say good morning? Clearly, they’re planning your termination.

But really, most people are simply too busy worrying about their own stuff to obsess over your every move.

If you find yourself constantly worrying about what others might think, it’s a sign that you’re projecting your own self-criticism onto them.

The truth is, most people aren’t judging you nearly as harshly as you’re judging yourself. Heck, they’re probably not even thinking about you at all.

• You read into every text, email, or lack of response, convinced someone’s mad at you.
• A simple “we need to talk” sends you spiraling, imagining the worst-case scenario.
• You alter your behavior to avoid potential judgment, even when it means compromising your own needs.
• You project your own self-criticism onto others, assuming they see you the way you see yourself.

9. You Feel Like You Don’t Deserve Rest (Or Happiness, for That Matter)

Ever try to take a break, but instead of enjoying it, you spiral into a guilt trip about all the things you should be doing? Yeah, that’s not healthy.

You’ve convinced yourself that rest is something you need to earn, and happiness is something reserved for those who’ve checked all their productivity boxes. But the reality is, you deserve rest and joy just because you’re human.

If you can’t remember the last time you let yourself relax without a running tally of everything you should be doing, that’s a huge sign you’re too hard on yourself. Life isn’t meant to be all work and no play—it’s about balance. And guess what? Burnout isn’t a trophy.

• You struggle to enjoy downtime because you feel like you should be doing something “productive.”
• Even after a long day, you guilt yourself for taking a break instead of tackling more tasks.
• Rest feels like something you have to “earn,” and happiness feels like it’s always out of reach.
• You can’t remember the last time you truly relaxed without an overwhelming sense of guilt.

10. You Have an All-or-Nothing Mindset

If you miss one workout, do you tell yourself you’ve failed your entire fitness plan? Or if one meal isn’t perfectly healthy, do you throw in the towel on your diet and hit the drive-thru for a week? Welcome to the all-or-nothing mindset, where perfection is the only option, and anything less is total failure.

This type of thinking is a classic sign that you’re too hard on yourself. Instead of seeing setbacks as part of the process, you view them as catastrophic failures.

But here’s a reality check: Life is messy. Progress isn’t linear. And expecting perfection from yourself only sets you up for disappointment. Learn to embrace the gray area. You’re not a robot, and that’s okay.

• One slip-up on your diet makes you feel like the entire week is ruined.
• Missing one day at the gym means your whole fitness plan is a failure.
• If something doesn’t go perfectly, you mentally throw in the towel and stop trying altogether.
• You struggle to see the middle ground—everything is either a success or a total failure in your mind.

11. You Apologize for Everything—Even Things That Aren’t Your Fault

Do you find yourself saying sorry even when someone bumps into you? If so, you’re probably way too hard on yourself.

Apologizing for things outside of your control—weather, traffic, global warming, you name it—can signal a deeper issue. It shows that you’ve internalized the idea that somehow, you’re responsible for everything that goes wrong. And guess what? You’re not.

You don’t need to take the blame for things you didn’t cause. Next time you’re about to apologize for something out of your control, pause and ask yourself: Do I really need to say sorry here? Most of the time, the answer is a resounding no.

• You say “sorry” when someone else bumps into you.
• You apologize for things you didn’t even do, like the weather or traffic.
• You constantly take responsibility for things outside of your control.
• Deep down, you feel like everything that goes wrong is somehow your fault.

12. You Treat Self-Care Like a Selfish Act

Self-care—the thing you hear everyone talking about but feel low-key guilty about indulging in. Taking care of yourself feels like a luxury you haven’t earned, right? Wrong.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s a must. If you’re burning yourself out trying to meet impossible standards, then skipping meals, sleep, and relaxation because you think it’s “selfish,” you’re on a one-way ticket to burnout.

Treating self-care like an afterthought, rather than a necessity, is a major sign you’re being too hard on yourself. You wouldn’t run a car on an empty tank, so stop trying to run your life without refueling your body and mind.

• You skip meals, sleep, or exercise because you think other things are more important.
• Taking time for yourself feels indulgent, and you guilt-trip yourself the entire time.
• You tell yourself you’ll relax after you finish everything—except “everything” is never-ending.
• You treat self-care like an unnecessary luxury, rather than a basic necessity for survival.

13. You Keep Moving the Goalposts on Your Happiness

Have you ever hit a major milestone only to immediately start stressing about the next thing? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about.

You achieve something, but instead of celebrating, you move the goalpost further away. You keep telling yourself that you’ll be happy when—when you get the promotion, when you lose the weight, when you hit whatever arbitrary target you’ve set for yourself.

But when you reach it, surprise! You move the goalpost again.

The problem with this mindset is that it’s a never-ending chase. If you can’t find happiness where you are right now, no future achievement will magically fix that. You’re just setting yourself up to perpetually feel like you’re never enough.

So maybe, just maybe, it’s time to stop shifting the finish line and let yourself enjoy where you’re at.

• You tell yourself, “I’ll be happy when I achieve X,” but once you do, you set a new goal.
• You struggle to appreciate where you’re at because you’re always focused on what’s next.
• No matter what you accomplish, you convince yourself there’s still more to do before you can relax.
• You constantly chase future happiness, never feeling content in the present moment.

Conclusion: Time to Lighten Up on Yourself (Seriously)

Listen, life’s tough enough without you turning yourself into a human punching bag. If you’re reading this list and mentally checking every box, it’s time to ease up. Being hard on yourself doesn’t make you stronger, more successful, or more disciplined—it just makes you miserable.

The truth is, we’re all just out here trying to figure things out. Messing up, falling short, and being human are all part of the ride. So, cut yourself some slack. You’re doing better than you think.

Recommendation: Learn to Be Kinder to Yourself (And Keep Learning)

If you’re struggling with perfectionism, self-criticism, or just being too hard on yourself, one of the best ways to break the cycle is to learn new skills that help you shift your mindset. That’s where Skillshare comes in.

With tons of courses on personal development, mindfulness, and productivity, you can start rewiring how you approach life. Whether it’s through journaling, creative expression, or even meditation, Skillshare offers a range of tools to help you become your own biggest fan, rather than your harshest critic.

And if you’re looking for some incredible reads to support your journey to self-compassion and growth, check out our book recommendations here. There’s nothing better than getting lost in a book that helps you find your way back to yourself.